


In the Sun's Warmth

by mean_whale



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Bisexual Male Character, Boys Kissing, Fantasizing, First Kiss, Heterosexuality, Internalized Homophobia, Love Confessions, Love at First Sight, M/M, Pining, Porn Watching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-02
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2019-05-17 08:35:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14828954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mean_whale/pseuds/mean_whale
Summary: When Tanaka first saw Sugawara, his heart skipped a beat and his stomach fluttered just like it did when he saw attractive girls. But it couldn't possibly mean that he had just fallen for a boy, could it? And even if he had, Suga clearly had no interest in him. There was no point imagining, no point telling anyone. He couldn't look away.





	In the Sun's Warmth

Sugawara Koushi.

His face was that of an angel, his white hair a halo around him when the sun hit it, illuminating him as if he had just descended from heaven. His eyes were kind and attentive, noticing everything happening around him. In the mornings a strand of his hair would stick up from behind his right ear, settling throughout the day, then standing up again during practice. When sweaty, his hair got wavier, sticking to his forehead. When he wiped away drops of sweat, he always started by wiping over the mole under his left eye.

These were the things that Tanaka noticed during his very first time of seeing Sugawara when he joined the volleyball club. The way his heart twisted when he first saw Sugawara was something he had never experienced before. He didn’t know what he felt, his stomach fluttering exactly like it always did when he saw a pretty girl, but the added light in his chest was something new. He couldn’t understand what made seeing Sugawara so much different from seeing the cute manager Shimizu.

He decided to stop thinking about it, let it rest and maybe one day his heart wouldn’t skip a beat when Sugawara turned to him, smiled at him, pat his shoulder, fingers brushing against his arm when he scored. He had made friends with Nishinoya, who was a short ball of energy, trying his hardest to impress Shimizu, who kept turning her back at him. He and Noya talked about her beauty, the way her hair looked like silk falling over her shoulders, the way her glasses cast a shadow over her eyes, but when you looked close enough, you could see how beautiful those eyes were. They talked about how much they wanted to see her without her glasses, look straight into her eyes, and one of them always started talking about sex, and they laughed, cheeks burning with the embarrassment of two young boys who wanted to pretend they weren’t virgins to appear cooler.

To his surprise he found himself not to be interested in other girls. He figured that Shimizu was his destined girlfriend – at least until someone else would appear and make him want to kiss her and would let him touch her boobs. He and Noya talked about girls and how soft their chests were, how round their hips, and who had worn the shortest skirt, the tallest socks, whose smile had been the reddest and sweetest. They always ended up agreeing that Shimizu was unbeatable, and when he headed home he was glad if he had managed to get at least one look of disinterest from the club manager.

As close as he and Noya were, there was something he never talked about, and that something was Suga. As months went on, he had seen the two faces of Suga: the angel whose smile was so pure it could cure any disease, and the wicked boy who poked fun at his friends, hung out with the basketball players, and touched his teammates with enough strength to make them fold down. He had been watching afar, wondering what it took to become a person worthy of Suga’s harder love. Maybe he was already excluded just by being and underclassman. Maybe Suga wouldn’t feel comfortable with him. Maybe, maybe, he was thinking as he watched Suga laugh with Sawamura and then slap Azumane on the back so hard it echoed in the gym.

He thought about the way Suga’s eyes crinkled when he smiled. He thought about the mole on Suga’s cheekbone and wondered if anyone had ever kissed it. His cheeks heated up with that thought, he swallowed around the odd lump that had risen to his throat. Suga smiled and his lips looked soft and red.

“She was kind of cute, I guess,” Noya said, and Tanaka had no idea what his friend was talking about. “But not a true beauty like Shimizu.”

He nodded, made a sound of affirmation, and hoped that Noya wasn’t expecting anything more out of him.

“Hey, Ryuu,” Noya said, and Tanaka had to force himself to look at his friend, understand what was going on around him rather than daydream.

But Suga’s skin was so pale. He wanted to see if Suga got tan lines in summer, or maybe he burned, his shoulders would turn red and angry, and he would need help from someone with firm hands to spread lotion over them, to soothe the burn and aching. The lotion under his hands, spread over Suga’s lithe shoulders, how close they were, how close how close.

“Ryuu!” Noya yelled, and Tanaka turned to look at him. “What’s up with you?”

“Nothing,” he responded automatically, not thinking before saying the word, hardly even registering what he had just said.

“You’re so distracted,” Noya complained. “You need to tell me.”

“Tell you what?” Tanaka asked, hoping that the answer wasn’t _tell me what you were thinking about_.

“Do you think it’s too early to have sex at this age?” Noya asked, annoyed.

He must have asked once or twice already, yet Tanaka hadn’t heard it. He was too preoccupied with Suga’s round shoulders, the lean arms that showed muscle when Suga flexed them for his friends as a joke, laughter, but he couldn’t stop looking, wondering about the way those arms would feel under his palms, around his body.

He shook his head. He looked at Noya, whose face was anxious.

“I don’t know,” he said. “I guess it depends.”

“On what?” Noya asked. “Come on, Ryuu! You’re the only one I can ask.”

“Who would you even have sex with?” Tanaka asked.

Noya rolled his eyes and threw his head back with a big sigh.

“You haven’t been listening to me at all, have you?” Noya asked and lifted his head up to pointedly look at Tanaka who was smiling sheepishly.

“I’m sorry,” Tanaka said. “I’m just… I don’t know what’s going on.”

“Maybe you should talk about it,” Noya suggested.

Tanaka thought about it. He could tell Noya about his thoughts, he would get an opinion, he would then maybe know what to do. But to tell Noya that he was dreaming of another boy? It was unthinkable. It was unimaginable. It was gross.

He shouldn’t be having these thoughts in the first place. There was no way he could tell anyone. He would be marked for the rest of his life – or at least the rest of his high school life. Noya would maybe not spread it on purpose, but one day it was bound to happen, a small slip of the tongue and suddenly everyone would know, making the remaining two and a half years unbearable.

“It’s nothing,” he said and shook his head while he wondered if Suga’s lips would feel anything like a girl’s.

“Then listen to me,” Noya whined, and Tanaka nodded, determined to listen. “The girl who confessed to me.”

“Who?” Tanaka asked, getting a tired sigh in response.

“I’ll start over,” Noya said.

Tanaka did listen, but couldn’t offer advice. Who was he to tell others what to do about their relationships, when he had somehow turned gay just because he saw a beautiful boy? No, his feelings for Suga weren’t like that. He was simply enjoying the aesthetic beauty of him. In fact, Suga wasn’t even that beautiful. Suga was quite plain with his boring lean body and muscular thighs and soft hair that curled at the nape. There was absolutely nothing special about Suga, not about the mole under his eye that made Tanaka want to lick it, nothing special about the plump curve of his upper lip, how his smile brightened up the day.

It would have been fine to live in denial for the rest of his life, it should have been fine, but one day, Noya brought up his distracted attitude again.

“There’s something going on,” Noya said. “Don’t try to deny it, I know there is.”

“What do you mean?” he tried to avoid the questions, tried to suddenly come up with something else to distract his friend, but Noya’s eyes were focused on his face, reading each twitch of his brows.

“You looked the other way when Kiyoko-san entered the room,” Noya said, and that was it.

The truth was out, and there was nothing he could do to hide it. He wanted to try, opened his mouth to say something, some way to explain, but there was nothing, because he had been too intensely thinking about Suga’s fingers that set the ball, how they would feel against his skin, how they would touch him, and he had to admit to himself that he hadn’t noticed Kiyoko being there.

“Come on,” Noya said, trying to sound pleading and cute. “We’re friends!”

“Well,” Tanaka started, but had no way to finish.

“I mean,” Noya said, looking slightly disappointed, “I have an idea of what it might be, but I’d rather you tell me.”

Tanaka wasn’t sure if his cheeks were heating up or growing cold. The idea of Noya having realised everything was horrifying, unsettling, he didn’t want anything to do with it because he didn’t want to be gay. He didn’t want anyone thinking that he was, the least of all Noya.

“I don’t know what to say,” Tanaka finally said, the silence having stretched on into discomfort.

“Just tell me the truth, Ryuu,” Noya said, almost tired, big eyes fixed on Tanaka’s face.

His heart was pounding in his chest. How could he tell the truth to someone else when he wasn’t ready to face it himself? How could he put into words the way he felt when he saw Suga with an arm around Daichi’s shoulders, a bit too close to be just friends, so close that he couldn’t stop staring, trying to determine if they were more, if they were what he wanted to be with Suga, but couldn’t. There was no way he could ever be the person Suga looked at with the same admiration he looked at his friends – and especially Daichi.

But Daichi couldn’t possibly be gay. He was manly and strong. He… The way he looked at Suga was warm and kind, his eyes melting.

He shook his head. He had seen Daichi with Michimiya, had seen the signs of obvious attraction. He wondered if Suga looked at the two the same way Tanaka looked at Suga and Daichi together, Suga and Asahi together, Suga and any of his close friends together. He yearned for that attention, he needed it, he wanted to feel the way Suga’s round eyes would focus on him, slide over his body, feed his dreams until they became reality.

“Don’t you trust me?” Noya asked.

“I just don’t want to say it,” Tanaka said, knowing full well that he wasn’t leaving the conversation before he had clearly told Noya about his crush.

“Why?” Noya asked, leaning forward. “Are you scared I’ll leave?”

Tanaka bit his lip.

“Yes,” he said.

“Well, I won’t,” Noya immediately replied.

“It’s not that easy,” Tanaka insisted.

“Everything used to be easy for you,” Noya said. “How many times have we talked about sex in detail? Telling me you’re gay is nothing compared to that.”

“I’m not…” Tanaka started to say, but then bit his lip.

What was the point of denying it? Noya already knew. Noya was more perceptive than he had thought; he should have known to give his friend more credit.

“You’re not?” Noya asked in confusion. “Did I get it wrong?”

“You…” Tanaka tried in desperation, but then gave up the fight. “No.”

“So you are gay?” Noya asked.

He only nodded, eyes cast down. He was thankful that he hadn’t needed to say it out loud, that Noya had said it for him.

“Then why did you pretend to like girls all this time?” Noya asked next. “You should have just told me and we could have talked about something else.”

“I wasn’t pretending!” Tanaka replied, horrified that Noya had drawn such a false conclusion. “I didn’t lie when I said all those things about Kiyoko-san!”

Noya looked like he understood something, which surprised Tanaka, because he didn’t understand a thing at this point. He didn’t understand how he could think about girls and their soft curves, then turn around and see Suga, all thoughts halting and turning to him, Suga filling his mind every night. And the way his fantasies had changed from imagining how it would feel like to push inside a soft girl to how Suga’s fingers would feel like opening his fly, pulling out his hard cock, stroking it.

“So you’re bi,” Noya said, making Tanaka blink.

“What?” he asked.

“Are you serious?” Noya asked, looking at him in suspicion. “You don’t know what that is?”

He felt like he should feel stupid, because Noya’s tone of voice implicated that he wasn’t aware of something basic that everyone else knew. He shook his head slightly, hoping that Noya might interpret it as something else, that he wasn’t as stupid as it seemed.

“Ryuu,” Noya said with a desperate sigh. “Haven’t you been curious to know more about yourself?”

The only thing he was curious to know more about was Suga.

“You’re bisexual,” Noya said. “It means that you like girls and boys.”

“I don’t like boys!” Tanaka immediately retorted. “I only like…”

He snapped his mouth shut. He had nearly told Noya. He didn’t think he could say it. How could he sully Suga’s name by talking about him while he couldn’t stop thinking about the way he wanted to see how his hair would be messed up by the pillows as they tossed and turned together, bodies pressed together in the heat of passion.

“Just tell me who it is you like,” Noya asked, smiling in a friendly fashion. “Please?”

Tanaka covered his face with his hands, but he finally said it.

“Suga-san.”

*

“You should tell him,” Noya had told him so many times that he had finally agreed.

It wasn’t easy.

Suga’s closeness made his voice tremble, and he had to clear his throat so much that Suga once asked him if he was ill. He tried his best to get closer to Suga, but Narita, Kinoshita and Ennoshita had a bad habit of pulling him away, and before he knew it, the year had come to an end.

The next school year would be his last chance to tell Suga about the way his heart sped up when he saw him, how he had watched his hair grow and dance in the wind more and more, how he had wished that somehow Suga would understand him without words, nothing needed except one look, and Suga would tell him that the feelings were mutual.

There was one year left to make a confession, and – if all went well – date before Suga would leave, move on, maybe forget about him. And if he was turned down, which was the more likely option, there was only one year left of the humiliation of knowing that Suga knew how much his heart yearned to be noticed by his beautiful upperclassman.

He was early, and it made him nervous. He was never that early, but he hadn’t been able to sleep properly, had woken up before his alarm, had hardly touched his breakfast and left before anyone could ask about his restlessness. He was standing by a brick wall under cherry trees, looking up to the bright blue sky and the cherry blossoms gently swaying in the wind. He needed to calm down. He might not even see Suga today, he might go all day without seeing the boy who had made permanent residence in his heart, and it would be fine, because he had already gotten used to it. Days that had turned to weeks of not seeing him, and it was fine because he had his fantasies in which they walked to school hand in hand, kissed goodbye, and his cheeks were burning now that he thought about kissing Suga on the lips, brushing his thumb over the mole on Suga’s face.

“Tanaka!” his name was called.

He looked down and thought that maybe he had died during the night and this was heaven. There, before him, stood Sugawara Koushi, hair swaying in the wind, a smile on his face, happiness, recognition, meeting a friend. There were pink petals in the air, the wind blowing them over the two of them, and a flower fell into Suga’s hair, pink against the grey hair. The way Tanaka’s heart fluttered was strengthened by the time of being apart, and his mouth was dry, he tried his best to smile in return.

“You’re here early,” Suga said and stopped next to him.

“Yeah,” was the only word he could get out.

He swallowed. Suga stood there, almost the same height, face pure and friendly.

“You cut your hair,” Suga said.

His eyes widened when Suga reached out a hand and touched his shaved head, fingertips grazing the short stubble of hair.

“It’s surprisingly soft,” Suga said and smiled.

“I like you.”

Time stopped. He was staring at Suga, horrified by his own words, how they had fallen out of his mouth without permission, how he had now let it out, the secret he had been keeping all this time, these moths of agonising over the way Suga drew him in, and he had been captured.

Suga looked at him, round eyes rounder, then his usual friendly smile.

“What do you mean?” Suga asked.

He closed his eyes, opened them to look straight at Suga, who had a cherry blossom in his hair.

“I _like_ you,” he said. “Would you, please, just consider… I mean, I understand it’s weird.”

“It’s not weird,” Suga said before he could finish the rambling that was trying to get out of him.

“It’s… not?” he asked, feeling stupid, growing dumber by the minute because Suga was consuming him, his thoughts locked on the boy standing there, so close, so close but too far away.

“I’ve been wondering,” Suga said. “But I convinced myself that I was wrong because of how you and Noya fawn over Shimizu. It was easier that way.”

He was hearing every word, but they didn’t click all into place. They were scattered around him, he was trying to catch them, but they slipped through, and he was staring dumbly, unable to produce a response.

“I didn’t want to keep my hopes up so I wouldn’t get hurt,” Suga said.

Tanaka thought that he might have gathered what was being said, but couldn’t believe it. He must have made a mistake. Suga reached out and took a soft hold of his hand, pale fingers against his tan, cool fingers against his sweaty palm.

“I like you too, Tanaka,” Suga said, looking at their hands together, then looking up at him. “I just never had the confidence to tell you because I was afraid your answer would be no.”

He couldn’t say a thing. He noticed his fingers trembling in Suga’s hold, squeezed the hand holding him, but couldn’t say a word. He couldn’t differentiate all the emotions that had rendered him speechless, they were all in his throat, in his chest, blocking the way of words, these raw feelings that he had never felt before.

“Suga! Tanaka!” Daichi’s voice in the distance.

Suga squeezed his hand once, then let it go, let it fall back to his side.

“We should go on a date,” Suga said, and there was the wicked smile that was only reserved for his friends. “Let’s meet here after school and talk.”

He nodded. Daichi caught the attention, and he was left wondering if everything had been just a beautiful dream. He watched how Daichi picked the flower off Suga’s hair, how they laughed, how close they were, physically close, arms touching, and Daichi flicked the flower to the ground. He stopped to pick it up, feeling stupid, blushing despite nobody seeing him do it, and he quickly shoved it between a book.

Knowing that Suga wanted to talk to him after school made him jumpy, restless, impatient, and he received many exasperated looks from teachers and classmates, from Noya, from Narita. He didn’t settle before he was standing there, by the brick wall that had been warmed by the sun, and maybe he saw that as a symbol of himself, him, the brick wall warmed by Suga, his sun.

“Do you want to come over to my place?” Suga asked, innocent face and a soft smile. “No one’s home, so we can talk in peace.”

He nodded, followed Suga, how the sun was warming his back as they walked, and he wanted to take a hold of Suga’s hand, he had imagined it so many times, wished and wished that it could happen. He couldn’t stop thinking about Suga’s words, “no one’s home”, they were alone, no one else was home. He had watched enough porn and read enough of Saeko’s crappy old manga to know what it meant, but this was real. This wasn’t a cheesy story, this wasn’t a porn filmed on a strict budget with the cameraman accidentally breathing into the microphone. He wasn’t a cute girl being asked to go home with her boyfriend. In fact, in appearance he was the naughty boyfriend luring his sweet, innocent girlfriend into his depravity, pulling on the soft hair and into a kiss, undressing just enough to stick his dick into something warm and soft and wet.

He wondered if Suga had had boyfriends before. Suga was only a year older, but Suga was a beauty. Suga had none of his awkwardness when it came to talking to attractive people. Suga was so close with Daichi there was no way they didn’t have something going on, an agreement, practising kissing together because they were friends and desperate to know what it was like, to know that when the situation arose they would know what to do, how to handle everything. Be the man. He wondered if Suga was thinking about him the same way, if Suga wanted to stick his dick inside.

After having admitted his feelings for Suga to Noya, his friend had gone out of his way to acquire a porn film with two guys doing it. His face had been burning up so bad he had been surprised there was still enough blood left to give him a hard-on as he watched. Fingers. Tightness. Lubrication. Hard cocks pushing inside tight holes after fingers had opened them up. He wondered if Suga would want him to open up, lay himself bare and lie on the bed under Suga’s sweaty body, voice high-pitched as Suga pushed inside him. He wondered if Suga had seen similar videos, had touched his own ass, maybe in the shower like he once had, he had stuck a finger against the puckered hole, how tight it was.

His face was on fire when they got to the Sugawara residence. He stumbled as he took off his shoes, as he followed Suga, as he sat down in Suga’s room, where everything was Suga. Suga, who was sitting right next to him and looking at his burning face.

“Is everything okay?” Suga asked, and he knew he must have looked horrible.

“Yeah,” he said, voice airy, chest tight.

“You know, I…” Suga started to say, bit his lip, and took a hold of his hand. “I really wanted to bring you here because then no one can see.”

“See what?” he asked, voice unusually high, tightness migrating to his throat.

“Us,” Suga said, then, after a little break, added, “kissing.”

“Oh,” he said, feeling stupid and awkward, clumsy in the room that was Suga.

Suga leaned towards him, slowly and carefully, and he hoped that he didn’t look reluctant. There weren’t many things he would rather be doing than kissing Suga, and he prayed that nothing would stop it from happening.

Their lips met almost abruptly, he squeezed his eyes shut, and Suga lifted hands onto his cheeks, cool hands over his burning cheeks. Suga’s lips were soft, his stomach was fluttering, it felt odd, having his mouth pressed against another mouth for the first time in years, but it was his first kiss with someone he really cared about, someone who made him feel so strongly. Someone he really wanted to kiss. And he did his best to kiss back, lips moving slowly, Suga’s languid movements that he tried to mirror, opening mouths meeting again and again, and he could stay there forever.

Suga’s forehead was leaning against his, they were breathing the same air, and his heart was beating like it was trying to escape. He opened his eyes to see Suga smile, the tips of their noses bumping together, and Suga laughed happily, eyes shining at him.

“I can’t believe I waited all this time when I could have told you last year,” Suga said. “I can’t believe I never told you.”

“I… I didn’t tell you either,” Tanaka said, voice unstable but working.

“But you eventually did,” Suga said.

Suga’s smile was soft.

“If you hadn’t taken the first step,” Suga said, “I would have never imagined that you might like me.”

Suga’s hands had warmed against his cheeks.

“I want to kiss you again,” Suga said quietly.

“You can,” he replied. “As many times as you want.”

Suga’s playful smile warmed his heart, and their next kiss warmed his soul.

**Author's Note:**

> Twitter talk about sugatana made me need this pairing so I wrote this in two days because seriously this is such a good pairing why haven't I thought of it more! This was also a nice style to write in because it's actually closer to my usual writing style than the style I tend to write fics in for some reason.
> 
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